BELL RINGS Nora!
Hop on. Your carriage awaits.
I don't accept lifts from strangers.
Strangers? I live next door. And damn strange you are, too.
What do you need that thing for when you're on your own?
They said, "Nora Batty is a different woman in a sidecar."
So I thought, "A different Nora Batty?
"It's worth a try." Who said? So I thought, "Go for it, Alvin.
"Sweeten up the bat. Take her for a spin. Bring colour to her life."
Have you any idea how close you are to being spoken of in the past tense? Don't fight it.
I realise I make your senses spin.
Like a touch of gastric flu.
I know you're terrified of being alone with me in case you lose control, but I'll be on the bike...
you'll be in the sidecar. It's like having separate rooms.
You're never getting me in that.
I'll be in that, you on the bike.
Now what? Look who's coming.
What was all that about?
Audrey Craig. To think we used to be best friends. What happened? Never you mind what happened.
You could do with a best friend to sweeten you up. I'm sweet enough!
Only on me and I've warned you, I'm dedicated to being single and happy.
With all the practice he's had, you'd think he'd be slicker.
Is he big enough for slicker? I think his nerve's gone.
He's got this terrible psychological problem.
There's a medical name for it.
I believe it's called Pearl.
If it's the one I'm thinking of, there's no cure.
ALVIN LAUGHS
What happened to the wings and fuselage?
I bet it still won't fly even when they come. Oh, now, don't be rotten.
It's obvious...
it's a coffee grinder.
Enough of the levity.
It's a public service. I'm trying to civilise Nora Batty.
Couldn't you start with something easier like, er, climbing Everest?
You can't move for people climbing Everest. It's not been done in that. You'll enjoy freewheeling down!
Don't give him ideas. He's inclined to be a bit, er, you know, barmy.
I was hoping to take Nora Batty for a spin.
You see what I mean. Could one ask why?
Well, she deserves a treat now and then.
I don't like to think of her only pining for me from a distance.
Alvin, I think you're only inches away
from being one of the bravest, most brainless people I've ever known.
It's very touching to hear you say so.
Now, what's all this between Nora and an Audrey Craig?
Nora Batty and Audrey Craig.
It's like a traffic warden to a motorist.
It's been like it for years.
They used to be best friends.
Then something happened at a wedding.
Something happened at mine. I got the missus.
Ah, but only till death do you part. What happened at the wedding?
I don't know. I don't think they remember themselves.
I think now they just enjoy being miserable with each other.
There's a lot of talent at that round here. Audrey Craig?
She used to be a Brooke.
I remember Audrey Brooke.
She once lent me her pencil sharpener. I never asked for it.
She came up to me in class one day and she said, "Norman, do you want to borrow my pencil sharpener?"
It made me very uneasy.
I went round for weeks afterwards hoping she'd never catch me alone somewhere with a blunt pencil.
How do we find out what happened at this wedding? I'm still a bit hazy what happened at mine.
Ivy'll know. She was at the wedding.
That's a thinker's expression.
Plato, Aristotle, my Barry.
Do you think life has any point?
You haven't eaten your egg. Even if people eat their eggs.
It's cold now. What was wrong with your egg?
I was going to eat it. I was poised with the spoon. And then I thought,
"Why am I doing this? If life is slipping me by, why am I just sitting here eating a boiled egg?"
Would you prefer scrambled?
I am scrambled. Alexander the Great had conquered the known world by the time he was 30.
I bet he had a good breakfast.
Imagine the whole world yours and still only 30.
What would you do with it all?
There's only so much you can send to a car-boot sale.
Do with it?
I'd...I'd bring justice to the toiling masses.
Do you see a mass of toiling these days?
I'd build.
A little palace...
with its own golf course.
That's it, isn't it? You're still pining for golf.
Well, go and have a game.
I daren't. I keep making the wrong impression on the captain.
I am not having you sitting here wasting eggs.
You're going to play golf, Barry.
Do you believe in the afterlife?
Is this a trick question?
No, I'm serious. It's not like you. You're usually thinking what's for lunch. I know what's for lunch.
What I'm not sure about is afterlife. Well, do you believe in it? I'm asking you.
Well, perhaps I might believe in it if I thought you did.
You can't believe in the afterlife just cos your mate does. Well, we usually do most things together.
Did that look illegal to you?
It looked dangerous. As long as it's not illegal.
What happened?
It's him. He can't steer his bike.
We were going too fast. I'll get it right next time.
What was he doing with his bike? Not very well.
I was overloaded. Now he tells us. Here's me without a breathalyser.
Not only a bike. A sidecar.
What's he need that for?
He's trying to coax Nora Batty into it. Oh, she'll never go for it.
You're not making allowances for my personal magnetism.
I admit I'm not making allowances for your personal magnetism.
At the moment, I'm in neutral.
I'm sure that's a relief to us all.
What does Nora Batty think about your personal magnetism?
She pretends to be immune. She was immune to Wally's and he was her husband.
Ah, but he didn't have my charisma.
He had pigeons. And a scale model of HMS Rodney.
No wonder she married him.
What happened at that other wedding? What other wedding?
The one where Nora fell out with Audrey Craig. Oh, that wedding.
I hear they used to be best friends.
Ever since school. They used to share the same interests. Misery.
No, they didn't.
They were all right. Nora's all right underneath.
That's not the bit that shows though, is it? So something went wrong at that wedding.
Or very shortly afterwards if it was owt like mine.
No, I have to admit we were reasonably happy for the first few hours. I enjoyed the cake.
You were all luckier than you deserved.
What happened at the wedding?
Audrey laughed at Nora's hat.
Everybody laughs at Nora's hats.
But not usually in front of the vicar and 40 guests.
And then somebody told Audrey what Nora was saying about her and they've not spoken since.
You're looking worried, lass.
Now, I always think spending was invented for such occasions.
It's Barry. He's pining for golf.
Is that a problem? Why doesn't he play golf?
He may have lost his nerve. Which they do if they don't keep updating their equipment.
He has. He's lost his nerve.
He keeps upsetting the captain and he daren't play now.
Has he tried the more dangerous sporting activities?
We have a large selection of clothing suitable to have bad accidents in. His heart's in golf.
I won't have him doing anything dangerous. I'm looking for something to restore his golfing confidence.
And there it is. Larger than life.
What a wonderful coincidence.
For what? Sometimes there occurs the perfect matching between the need and the man.
What's he ever been a perfect match for? Yeah, I was wondering that.
For restoring golfing confidence.
Your Barry needs a caddie.
I'm not a caddie. You can carry a golf bag.
If that doesn't restore his confidence, I don't know what will. That's wonderful. That should do it.
That should be all he needs.
I wouldn't say all.
If he really wants his confidence back, he wants these.
He's got golfing shoes.
These belonged to a famous comedian.
He used to love his golf. He called them his lucky shoes.
What happened to him? Got killed by a bus.
How lucky can you get?
I mean what we have basically is two ladies who haven't spoken for years.
That's a novelty. I live with two ladies and they've never stopped speaking for years.
The question is why haven't they spoken?
Cos each is waiting for the other to apologise. Give 'em time.
It's only been 30 years.
It's going to take some mending after 30 years.
Women are stubborn. I think they had lessons in it at school while we were doing woodwork.
I did needlework.
I expect that's where tha picked up thee personal magnetism.
I did it the butch way - without a thimble.
The Nora-Audrey situation is fundamentally a domestic dispute.
I handled six of these a week. The one I couldn't handle was my own.
How do you propose handling this one? In the best traditions of the force. A bit of low cunning.
It's getting very difficult sneaking out with the bicycle.
Wives seem to know the minute you reach for a bicycle.
Have you told her it's all perfectly harmless?
Although please don't think I'm laying down conditions.
It's uncanny when you've removed every squeak from the bicycle.
Oh, Howard,
you don't think she's psychic?
Close.
It's like living with Gypsy Rose Lee.
Wasn't she a stripper? In that case it's not, then.
We think up some device to get them together. And then what?
Who's going to apologise first?
Yes. I can't see Nora Batty apologising first.
I can't see Audrey Craig either.
The drinks are on you, Howard.
It's got so I'm too nervous to go to golf.
I've got golfer's block. You won't be alone, Barry.
Tom's going with you.
Tom? Not only that but...
But what? You're going to have a caddie.
Nobody has a caddie. They do. Every time I see them on television they've got a caddie.
Those are professionals. Oh.
There's one law for them and one for you, is there? Well, if you want a caddie, Barry, you have a caddie.
I don't want a caddie. Well, you've got one.
You can go back to that golf course in style.
Who do you know that's a caddie? It's Smiler.
That's enough for two caddies. Can he play golf?
Why does he have to play golf? He's only carrying your bag.
And that's not all.
I've bought you these and I want you to wear them.
They belonged to a famous comedian. They were his lucky shoes.
Oh, Glenda!
Oh, that's really nice.
That's really sweet.
That's really...
THEY RATTLE
..different.
So basically what we've got here is that neither lady will apologise first.
They're both highly qualified at not apologising first. Clash of the Titans. Speaking of tight 'uns...
Who's getting the next round?
I provided transport.
And I'm deaf. I'll do it.
I can't bear to see you lot suffer.
Same again, landlord.
Now, we know Nora is a tough nut.
Well, she's probably met her match in Audrey Craig.
I know Audrey Craig.
So if neither one of them will apologise first,
what we've got to do is make sure they both think that the other one is going to apologise first.
It'll go wrong. Why should it go wrong? You haven't heard the plan.
It'll go wrong.
I bet Robin Hood had one like thee amongst his merry men.
Come on, what's the plan, then?
We arrange a meeting for them somewhere. Somewhere quiet.
Finding somewhere quiet's not as easy as people think.
How are you going to get them somewhere quiet?
Well, you tell Nora that Audrey Craig wants to meet her there so she can apologise.
Marina can tell Audrey Craig that Nora wants to meet her there so she can apologise.
Let's suppose we get them there.
They're each waiting for the other to apologise and there's this silence. Then what?
Yes, well, that's the tricky bit.
I'm working on it. It'll go wrong.
I thought this was supposed to be my car. It is your car.
When am I going to get to drive it, then? When I feel you're ready.
You've got to stop rushing into things. I've warned you about tearing through life at top speed.
Give the horn a toot.
Where is it? Then you wonder why I won't let you drive.
It's that thing in the middle of the wheel.
QUIET BUZZING We'd better knock on the door.
You ready for the old 18 holes, then? No. Yes, he is. Give us your bag.
Here's your caddie. He might as well get used to the weight.
He'll get a lot better once he's got his balance. Has he caddied before? For me.
I wouldn't be without him.
Be careful, Barry. You mean it could get worse?
So where are we going to get them to meet?
Where they won't feel embarrassed, where they can't be overheard.
You can hear Nora Batty three streets away. I would have said four. Try five.
They won't be shouting on this occasion. They'll be wary and suspicious. The old sports field.
They're a couple of old sports, let them meet on the old sports field.
Let them meet in the middle of the field. Nobody'll overhear then. I like it. That's good, Alvin.
What time? Midnight. Then they can use their broomsticks.
Three o'clock kickoff. Good enough.
Off you go then, Marina. Tell Audrey Craig that Nora wants to meet her at three o'clock so she can apologise.
Perhaps I ought to go with the young lady in case she forgets the message. Stay here.
We've got other plans for thee.
I'll be off, then. Alone and unescorted.
Be careful...whoever you are.
That's kind of you...stranger.
She seems very pleasant.
CHUGGING
See what's wrong with it. Me?
Well, it's your car.
Don't worry on my account. I don't dislike being broken down.
Saved by the bell.
How come they ran out of trousers before they got to your ankle?
Will you give us a tow to t'golf course? Sorry. I've got to get dressed for the procession.
Something to do with Chinese custom.
Well, that's it then. No golf. What a pity.
How long are you going to be getting dressed? Not long.
Will you be coming back this way? Yes. Right, we'll wait here.
You get dressed for the procession and then you can tow us to the golf course. Oh, goody!
Just one condition. Promise me strict silence.
No-one must know I mix with people in trousers like those.
What do you want?
No, not, "What do you want?"
Try, "Hello, Alvin."
What do you want? I've got big news for you.
And I've got big news for you if you don't stop ringing this doorbell.
You're looking at the peacemaker. I'm here to mend an old quarrel.
This isn't an old quarrel, I've only just started. Not you and me.
You and Audrey Craig.
Don't you mention that name here.
Hang about. Hold your horses.
What would you say if I told you that she was ready to apologise?
I'd say it's about time. That's the spirit, meet her halfway.
How come she's told you she wants to apologise? Never mind about that,
just listen for a minute.
She wants to meet you at the old sports field at three o'clock.
What a performance. She was always a bit dramatic.
Well, are you going or aren't you?
I'm going. I've waited a long time for this apology.
I mean, what an impression.
Being towed to the golf club. It's going to do wonders for my image.
He's only dropping us off. We'll leave the car in the car park
and while we're having a game the mechanic can come out and have a look at it. It's not a great entrance!
Look at the impression you'll make when they see how serious you are about golf. You'd rather be towed
than miss it. That'll earn you a few points.
How much is a mechanic going to cost? I shall pare him to the bone for you.
Couldn't he drop us NEAR the golf club? No.
And don't forget the impression you'll make with your caddie.
Does he even know which clubs are which?
Nobody said anything about knowing which club was which.
HORN BEEPS
People who lift dragon's tail will find convenient tow bar.
Now, pay attention, Clegg. Here's the plan.
Alvin will lead Nora to the right-hand side of the field.
Marina will lead Audrey Craig to the left-hand side.
All clear so far. But then what?
On the dot of three o'clock, they start walking towards each other and they meet in the centre of the field.
Yes, I can understand that bit, too, but what happens next?
They'll both be standing there waiting for the other to speak.
That's when we do our bit with the organisational flair for which Truly of the Yard has long been famous.
Do I hear a round of applause? It's your round next. What's he doing here without a ticket?
I thought he was with you.
Are you asleep?
I'm not asleep. I'm like a coiled spring, ready for any emergency.
Good, because there's one coming.
Did you see that? Of course I saw it. I'm a trained observer.
What do you reckon it was?
It was a dragon.
Fair enough. As long as it wasn't an emergency.
I'm going to have to change my hay fever medication.
I can't do it.
I can't play in these shoes. They're a present from Glenda.
I can. I've got to play in these shoes. Oh, look at them.
I hate them.
They're too bright. They're terrific. They belonged to a famous comedian. They were his lucky shoes.
Why is there a switch on them shoes?
What do you mean a switch on? It looks like a switch.
What's a switch doing on a pair of shoes?
It does. It looks like a switch.
BANG!
Now what?
Well? Well?
Now. BRASS BAND MUSIC STARTS
How's that for an apology?
BOTH: Whose idea was that?
Who do you think?
Oh, what a lovely thought.
Do you think you can ever really be forgiven for insulting a hat?
People used to laugh at me when I was a bobby,
but I found if you smiled and were forgiving
you'd usually get the beggars later.
Sometimes they laugh at me for wearing such a big feather.
Well, you should try wearing it in your hat.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd